Okay, updates on my current situation. As you no doubt have noticed, I've been abstaining from using the net because of the Math test. Now it's over, I can finally relax a little. Although there's still a lot to do, like the Lit PT. I don't know what music you're gonna use, so how do I include sounds in my dramatic convention ppt? So yeah, I have to do costumes, and lighting which I'm not really that sure of. The costumes part is drafted already.... What about props? Helen has her doll and wool, right? And as for stage directions... Ugh, I seriously need that thing. I refuse to say the name.

Basically, I spent today giving out presents and spending time with Cesar. We went around rediscovering all the secret passages we're actually not allowed in. ^_^ I couldn't find my form teacher for last year, though. Or the Chinese teacher...

YJ and I wrestled over the table. Meanie. Anyway, the fact that I couldn't win despite the advantage of gravity means that I'm not stronger than you are so the next time we buy something together for a project, don't try to carry everything yourself, okay? I need to build up some strength. ^_^

Weather's been terrible lately. Rain, rain and more rain. Worse than the 5th of May last year, and I thought that was the worst I'd ever see. I got two new books about dragons which I'm not going to have the chance to finish reading yet because of the Lit PT and I also have 3 other books from the library to finish. My English is going down the drain. I have to salvage what little of it I can.

Hmm. Yes, I changed my blogskin. I though white and blue looked better. Orb colours, lol. And I changed my quote one day in advance.

And Cesar's papa is named Leo. You probably know the next thing already... But anyway: I wuv my big brother and all my friends and all of you had better get enough sleep!

Wish me luck for tomorrow's rehearsal.

Aerin

P.s. Cesar, you can't introduce me but I don't mind the blog address being given to your dad. Or Joss, but not anyone else.

I really shouldn't be here considering I have a piano lesson in ten minutes. But then, I don't care about piano, and I haven't actually practised properly anyway. Or at least not what I was supposed to. And thank you for being kind enough to spare my precious brain cells which I will need for my Math test. Rowed with my parents like hell yesterday. I get the feeling I'm only around so that they can show me off and tell people that their child is so smart. I mean really. Okay gotta go.

Aerin

I really don't know what to do about this. I mean, yeah, I've gone and got used to it and all that, right? But that doesn't mean that I have to like it. People are confusing me. One person in particular. It's certainly much quieter now, but I'm not sure that it's a kind of quiet I'll continue to like. Maybe it's true that if I close myself off to the world, the world will close itself off to me. But that's what I always wanted, right? I only care about somewhere near five people. A tentative six. The rest of the world can burn for all I'm concerned. But I know who I care about, and I know that they probably care about me as well, and that's enough.

I just discovered an alternative bus route home. Yesterday, thanks to our trip to Plaza Singapura. We had quite a bit of fun... Only I had to remind YJ not to walk around backwards in Spotlight. She got her Inuyasha disc set, then we went to San's Bookshop just around the corner and got me a book after a while... And William Gibson wrote one book for Star Wars.

I think I have to go now. YJ was nice enough to help me photocopy the rubrics! Yay!

Aerin

P.s. I guess I do know who my friends are, after all. These eight months... Thank you.

Yeah. I know. I have no idea why I cried, actually... I might have been thinking about James (after all, my role was remarkably similar to his) or it might have just been a part of me I didn't know about. But I think that if I did that scene again, the same thing would happen. YJ says it's scary. ^_^ Because, according to her, if you can just cry like that then it probably means that there's something you're really upset about, which there isn't. Okay, maybe I ought to be upset about the Literature thing (hey, you don't tell me about meetings, how the hell am I supposed to know that I should attend), but I've given up being upset over that. I'll just repair this sorry thing as much as I decently can and after that I don't care what happens. But anyway, back to the topic. I wasn't so much upset as happy. I mean, to realise that I could still act. So yeah. But maybe it was scary. Boy am I glad I cut my nails - I was grinding them against my palms the whole time the teacher was talking to us at recess. Sad, really, that it had to come to this. But never mind. I shall not bother.

YJ's really nice. Okay, very out of context, and probably very obvious, but yeah. It's the truth, even if some people won't believe it. And I just had to go freak her out with that. Oh yeah, she went and washed her hair in the school sink (y'know, the one at the squash toilet) because someone sneezed on her and she didn't want to carry the germs home. She said she'd bathe if she could, but anyway, there wasn't enough time or soap and she didn't have a change of clothes. So we spent some time contemplating what to do with her wet hair and, after considering some weird ideas like wiping it with her jacket, decided to just stand on the track, let it dry, and pray to no deity in particular that people wouldn't look her way. Quite funny really. Did I mention she smells like conditioner? Although it's just baby shampoo really. Hey, don't blame me. I was standing half a metre away.

Ah well. I'm considering changing the url for this thing.

Aerin

I've decided not to let it bother me further. I don't care, I'm done airing my views. I shan't say any more about it unless I'm given cause to. No point passing sorrow around. It's almost to the point of tears now. I mean the anger. I hope I won't go berserk on my dad or something. It's not really a reason to cry. Hardly anything is. Not even when you don't get your point across. I guess it's how people react differently to the same things. I've seen a lot of that. Here's a direct quote: 'Use power for what is right. At least for what you believe in.'

Thank you to all of you for reading all the angst. And to some for further enlightening me on what most people consider universal. But then, I have to ask what a universe is, and whether it's what we think it is.

Life really is very contradictory. But never mind. I think we'll find our way in the end, though not before some destruction has been caused and some limit reached.

Ice doesn't melt, and I shan't either.

Aerin

This is one song I'm beginning to agree very much with.

Under those eyelids are just admirance. Good-bye to passing seasons.
Instead of glistening kindness from far, I just want one selfish wish granted
Going under that cold glass street
I want to touch, to confirm those feelings I have

I hold close to me only those dreams that I can open my eyes to see
Even if my heart is swayed by the blowing howling wind and battering rain
I can endure the pain for dreams that I can open my eyes to see
As long as the sky has its way, I can be honest

Realizing everyone's alone, I got used to the emptiness a little. Lonely
In a room one boring afternoon, I raise that concealed face.
Crushing that boring discussion
Let's hit ideas together, towards the ill-humored tomorrow

I suppose there are lots of thorns in the dreams that I can open my eyes to see
Trusting in people, finding the lies, and the tears are painful
I'm always getting thrown around by the dreams that I can open my eyes to see
As long as the town has its way, I can't throw it away

It should come in handy, those dreams that I can open my eyes to see
Making a crack, kicking your heart, someone's trace
I don't need an occasion for the dreams that I can open my eyes to see
As long as the love has its way, I can walk on lively

I hold close to me only those dreams that I can open my eyes to see
Even if my heart is swayed by the blowing howling wind and battering rain
I can endure the pain for dreams that I can open my eyes to see
As long as the sky has its way, I can be honest

I was told to post happy retarded things, so I suppose I shall. So, here I go:
1) Hamsters wuv YJ (Don't ask me where that came from)
2) Me wuv all my good friends (You know who you are. ^_^)

I have run out of happy retarded things to post. I think this is the first step to getting like Raww. There are times when I wish the world would disappear. I guess that happens.

Yay, I caught Tsuyomi! ^_^

You can expect me to be very calm about this. It's work, after all, so I must stay calm. I have to say that today's incident wasn't very nice. And by the way, I did have some stuff planned out but nobody told me what to do with the plans so can you blame me for delivering my work late? Normally I wouldn't mind, as you can see from the fact that I didn't blow up at Sam, but when you start contrasting our work to other peoples'... Well, what the hell have they got to do with us? So long as, in the end, everyone gets what they have to do done and everything works, I don't care if we're at gunpoint by the time we're done. In fact, I get the feeling we already are. But then, you don't get anywhere by worrying too much about peoples' feelings, right? So screw diplomacy. And I shan't try to defy destiny this time. I know there's something which is going to happen after all this, and perhaps it's a good thing. Let's see if you can figure this out: Athrun will stop tolerating and take up his sword. I hope it results in something good like in the anime, and that both parties will recover and eventually be reconciliated, but I find that unlikely. And I'm sick of being sandwich filling. This isn't a sudden change of attitude, this is a month's worth of anger and frustration finally finding an outlet. I must say I've calmed down somewhat, however. The initial draft of this was much more of a personal attack. And I must admit that today I failed to separate my personal interests from the interests of the group and my work, and for that I owe both you and myself an apology. I shall refrain from taking sides. But this time, I'll just get out of the way so you can hurl your emotional ammunition at someone else. It hurts, y'know. I just don't make that obvious. Maybe I should put the Bible up as a shield. It is, after all, supposed to be a holy object.

I've learned two things today: Firstly, that individual projects are preferable to group projects because I only have myself to blame if something goes wrong, only myself to credit if things go the way I want, and best of all I don't have to argue with anybody. I don't like arguing, you know? So maybe I should revert to being cold and professional like I always was. Second thing I learnt was that I need to re-learn how to live without people. I thought I could start being social simply because this would be a new environment, but it seems it didn't work out. I should probably just revert to the old system of having one best friend and the rest all acquaintances or enemies. Very limited social circle, but it worked. And I'm pretty sure about who I want to keep. Yes, you noticed, didn't you? I don't develop emotional bonds very easily, and even when I do, I can still discard them without much feeling if they're not fully developed yet.

I've discovered that I still have it in me to get a thrill from competition. I shall curb that urge. It is not a good thing. Oh yes, except for the conflict, today was a really good day. YJ was hyped up for some reason. Probably because she watched Inuyasha over the weekend. And don't you dare accuse her of not taking things seriously. If you do, I'll show you Kurama. He's always smiling, but quite obviously he's being serious as well. We talked about eating Bibles causing indigestion and she said she was so tired she just might fall asleep during track and get sent to hospital or something, and I told her not to do it on the field because then she'd be eating grass, and she said it was okay. But I told her I still thought the Bible was 'holier' food. I don't think she actually did fall asleep, though. Hope she didn't, really.

Deliver fate.

Aerin

I'm dead beat thanks to the math PT. Still got some more stuff to do, like studying letter format which I basically get already. Will have to get up early tomorrow and cram math. Then make all the refinements I can to the individual PT and get the group thing together by the evening. I wish I didn't have piano class and that it was a free day. Oh, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow as well. I considered cutting it even more like Rey's than it already is, but like I mentioned before I'll have a hell of a time getting that organised so I guess it'll just get shorter. Oh yeah, and the damn painting. Sorry, but I really hate painting. Just organised my tasks for tomorrow. Made some banners recently. Here (I finished 'Without Words' first, then 'Blood Taint', then 'Fond Memories'):

A globe of silver hung suspended in the dark of the night sky, surrounded by the shadows of trees. A flock of birds flew past, obscuring the view for a brief moment. A slim figure paced on the deserted streets, the white of its grab a stark contrast to the surrounding darkness.

The elite soldier strode along the path, stepping onto and over corpses, steel-blue eyes betraying not even the slightest hint of emotion. And beneath the blue was green fire, crackling so that it was hard to look at her eyes for more than a few seconds. Her pale face suddenly tilted towards the moon as she heard the caw of a raven. A thoughtful look skimmed her brow for a moment before her features returned to their former serenity.

Long since numbed by pain and sorrow, the soldier felt nothing at the deaths of so many. Life to her was a vast ocean which could never be emptied – so much the worse. There was no need to be personal about anything, because, after all, one would just disappear and eventually fade into the background, covered by the veil of time, pushed further away by hazy murmurings.

She was a soldier, and soldiers followed orders. Her orders were to investigate the massacre of the city, and she would finish her task, albeit not without some distaste. The toe of her boot suddenly struck something hard. Bending down, she realized that it was a silver key, no doubt dropped by one of the victims of this time’s attack.

A silver key.

Suddenly engulfed in a flood of memories, the soldier gasped. No – she had sworn never to recall this. Why? Why were all those memories triggered? Was it some form of penance? For a moment, her feelings overwhelmed her and she could almost imagine being held in that warm embrace, those strong arms reassuring her, telling her that nothing would – or could – happen.

Doubled over on the ground with the pain of that night, she clutched the key to her chest and forced a few incoherent words out of her mouth, before finally composing herself enough to regulate her breathing. Standing up shakily, she pocketed the key and whispered one last sentence before continuing on her soundless journey:

“You said you’d come back from the fire…You never did, and I’ve been waiting so long…How long more do I have to wait?”

Now she remembered. Her brother had died in such an incident. Retracing the steps she had taken so far, she saw that even the methods used to dispatch the citizens had been similar to those she had seen so long ago. Right then, she could imagine the crimson sky when this tragedy had taken place, the birds of prey waiting for their feed, the hungry flames sending out their tongues and devouring everything that passed. The blaze of scarlet throughout the city and the clouds of thick smoke, seemingly too heavy to rise, drowning all those not yet dead in their horrible darkness. Hadn’t that been her reason to join the military in the first place? To stop the murderers who kept making such things happen? How could she have forgotten?

Crouching down next to a corpse, she flipped it over face up and did a quick examination. There. The eye sockets were empty. Her suspicions had been confirmed. Yes, it was indeed the ‘jewel hunters’ who had killed her family and friends so long ago. Her family and friends who had been born with the eyes of blue-green flames. It was hard to believe that there were still so many of them left, so many of that one race which had been persecuted from its beginnings to its near end simply because they were different, simply because of their eyes, which had lately become ‘collectors’ items’.

Angry, the soldier clenched her fists, the colour of her eyes now no longer blue-gray veined with almost-living green, but an opaque black. Another unique characteristic her race possessed; having eyes which changed colour when their bearers were overwhelmed by certain negative emotions. Her own eyes would have changed to emerald, if not for all the experiments which had been done on her, and somehow she now felt guilty for permitting any changed to the way her body worked.

“You will pay,” she growled. “You will pay tenfold for what you did then and have done here. I’ll dig all your organs out and let the professor play around with them. And I’ll personally use your brains for my own scientific investigation.”

A voice interrupted her thoughts.

“When did you get so vengeful, Leo?” it asked, before someone wrapped his arms – it was obvious from the voice that the person was a ‘he’ – around her waist, rendering her incapable of turning back to confirm his identity.

Wait. I’ve heard that voice…somewhere. But I don’t remember…

“Who are you?” It was a stupid question to ask, really; someone with the intention to harm her wouldn’t reveal his identity that easily, would he?

“You don’t remember me?”

I remember the voice…

“What’s there to remember?” she asked outwardly, careful to maintain a professional tone. This person could just be impersonating someone she knew to get to her. She was bad at remembering what voice belonged to who; they must have known that.

The person suddenly spun her around so that her face was buried in his chest. She would normally have protested, as would anyone else, but she felt oddly safe with this person despite not knowing his identity.

“You’re trying to suffocate me.” It was a statement, not a question.

“No-one’s stopping you from breathing. You just don’t want to,” came the voice. It sounded amused this time. But nevertheless, it was right.

The soldier took a breath, hesitantly at first. Noting that her enhanced senses didn’t detect any trace of harmful chemicals, she gradually allowed the air to fill her lungs, until it hit her that this person smelled familiar, too. And with the senses she had, it was impossible to fool her with an imitation of anybody’s scent, so that must mean…

“I know you?”

“I thought you wouldn’t ask.”

A searing pain tore through her abdomen. As she drew what she thought would be her last breath, she looked up at her captor.

Brother?

“Why?”

He smiled wryly.

“You need a good sleep. It’ll help you forget some things. I’ll stay with you this time, I promise.”

“Liar. You didn’t keep your word…the last time…” She barely had enough breath left to sustain her bodily functions, but yet there was a note of amusement in her voice, that voice which had previously been colder than ice.

I’ll trust you…Even if you’ve betrayed me more than once now…

Yay. My brain cells are dying. I'm pretty sure of that. I can't tell you how many I have left, because I don't have enough to be able to count.

I got Helen for the Literature PT. It would've been Kate, but then Jenny didn't want to be Helen, so I got the role. It's not something I'm thrilled about, and I must say I'm more than a little disappointed (it'll hurt someone's feelings if I'm more specific). I seriously don't think I can pull it off, but since everyone else seems to think that I can... Who am I to refuse a role just because I don't like it? I've had enough experience with that kind of thing with Abigail. Besides, it really wouldn't be responsible of me to refuse to act as Helen, seeing as nobody else is really keen on it either. It'd just be passing sorrow around. Better me than anyone else; it's not like I'm making anyone else miserable now, am I? Being Helen is not 'easy'. In fact, it's probably the hardest role in the whole play. Have you any idea how hard it is to act as if you're blind and deaf when you're not? I don't really see why I get to do this just because I'm introverted. What has being introverted got to do with it? And is it supposed to be my fault that I'm introverted? I have to tell you, the only reason why I'm the way I am is because I could never afford to be anything else. It was always just, well, an act until I got used to it. Now I'm much more comfortable with the act than I would be, say, with speaking up and telling people what I really think about them. I try not to offend people but, with my silence, I still do it, right?

I'm not exactly cursing fate here or anything like that. But I have a right to air my views, don't you think? I wonder why I get a say, and yet I don't take it. YJ did ask me whether I minded, and as you all know I said I didn't. That wasn't exactly the truth, as is obvious. One of these days, my sense of duty is going to be the death of me. I wonder why I care, anyway. Should I? I guess so. So human nature is selfish, after all.

If someone had to shoot a person in our group, it'd likely be me. Because I don't shoot back if it misses and, even if it hits, that person's fate still wouldn't be so bad. I need to learn to retaliate, never mind whether people actually hit me or not. The mere fact that they desired to do so makes them more than deserving of rebuttal, which they usually don't get.

I wuv my big brother, and he'd better remember to go to sleep early. And congrats on the Kadaj hairstyle. I'll cut my hair by a little more than was originally intended. About 12 cm, I think. Decided not to cut it as short as Rey's. That'd be a disaster when it comes to tying it up for school.

I guess there are some things I really can't figure out after all.

Aerin
P.s. This point was brought up by a friend. 'Looking at it in a historical way, we know that people created religion for reassurance. So, naturally, if you don't need reassurance, you won't need a religion.' That's it, actually. What makes people think their religions are different? Enlighten me. I don't have a religion, so I wouldn't know.

I just realised how much Tsuyomi and I think alike, and how much Tien and I don't. True, I don't agree with him all the time, just like the thing about me liking tuna when he thinks it's disgusting, but it's a lot less extreme. But oh well... Opposites attract, right? I must admit YJ and I aren't all that alike, but we're not that different either. It's more of a balanced thing, not like with Tsuyo 'cause I agree with him about 85% of the time. About.

I've been really tired lately. No idea why, though. I'll be really glad when the History test is over... But then I'll have English to study for. And as we all know, I'm bad at remembering formats. In fact, I think the only format I ever remembered was the MS thing, and only because I did it a lot. Oh yes, I finished Principality's design. I don't know how to explain why the technology is partly ZAFT, Orb and Earth Alliance, though. Morgenroete helped with the first series of Gundams, and they did manufacture the Strike, ao I assume that's where the combat knives came from, and also where the 'Igelstellung' came from... But I can't explain why the packs all use ZAFT technology. But ZAFT did once build an assault shroud for the Duel, right? So I assume the plugs can be refitted to support their weaponry...

Having a hell of a time downloading videos. My material is getting seriously limited. It wouldn't be, but then we know what I lost when the damn computer crashed. Speaking of that, I suspect there's a Christian bug (the bug's a Christian, get it?) on the thing. It's preaching to me. Ugh.

My ol' buddy came to visit. Ow. It hurt me!!! Mean ol' buddy.

Okay, whatever. I need to go sleep. Please don't let there be Chinese tomorrow. I forgot my timetable. As usual. I think my brain is dying.

Aerin

I went to tuition yesterday and we went through several case studies which more or less prove that material possessions aren't all there is to life. So there, Tien. We also learnt that believing in things other than yourself is dangerous. Have you heard the story about the warrior and the broken arrow? He thought that his arrow was a magical object that would protect him (rather like how Christians think of God) and when he finally discovered that it was a broken arrow, he was so disappointed that he prompty went and got himself killed by a stampeding horse or something like that.

I've ever wanted to pray to whatever out there that might be listening, but in the end I never do it, because I know that there's nothing there and the only reason why I get that feeling is that I'm not strong enough to be able to believe in myself. If there's going to be a tomorrow, then I'll be the one to create my tomorrow. Why is it up to the 'powers above'? As if they really existed, anyway. I believe in Fate to some extent, but not gods and the like. Science was meant to overthrow all this unlogical thinking, right? And while we don't know if everything the scientists say is true, science is certainly more believable than those god-influenced theories, simply because we can see it in everything around us. Brownian motion has been observed, yes? But how many people have seen God? I'm just going to stick to the dreams which I can see. It's dangerous, and it may hurt, to have nothing to believe in but me, but I think it's still safer than believing in something which, for all we know, doesn't exist and never existed.

There was a time when I actually was a Buddhist, and another when I actually was a Christian, but never after I discovered that burning incense and things of the sort was causing air pollution, and never after learning that God ever demanded a sacrifice. If they truly cared about us, why would they ask us to damage our Earth, the only habitable planet? Why would they want us to eat any meat at all, since that would mean taking life? If they don't care about us, then I think it's better not to believe.

It's true that customs and traditions count for nothing with me. I'm one of those people who just discard whatever doesn't work, sentimental value usually not taken into account. I hate it when people burn paper money, even though it's a tradition I'm expected to keep up. I won't go this year. Nor the next, either. I'd refuse to go anywhere near temples or churches altogether if I could get away with it, but I don't really feel like giving my grandmother a heart attack. So I guess I'll just sacrifice my beliefs for once.

How many people on this planet can honestly say what I've said today? How many of those freethinkers are actually atheists? I don't know. I don't want to know.

Aerin
P.s. Tsuyo has a really cute Sephiroth avatar.

Had a great time. Really. I enjoyed walking her to the bus stop, too. Seems we have the same views on smoking. I remember having a nightmare about finding cigarettes in Dad's room. Never happened, though. Right... We watched 7 episodes of Inuyasha. Great, huh? Although sometimes I think my life would be better if people just left me alone. Because then, even without people to cheer me up, there's be nobody to make me unhappy in the first place. But it's a selfish thing to wish for, and anyway I know there are at least three people I'd miss. At least. I know I'll miss brother and Cesar because I do already, and someone else because I have. The rest, I'm not so sure. I know who I won't miss, though. I did before, but they don't really matter anymore. With them or without them, life's still the same. They're just undefinable presences affecting the course of my life, that's all. There's no need to be personal.

I find myself wondering when I'd become like that; not caring for human company, things like that. I don't remember. Or was I always like this? It's funny. When I'm at home, I miss the places I've been to which are far away from home. Yet when I'm overseas, I never miss home. I never miss anything about home. I don't recall missing my parents after the age of eight. They just came and went. It was nothing to me by the time I was ten. Nothing. There was no more excitement when Father was about to come home, no more tears when he left. Sure, his coming home safe was a good thing, but only for my own selfish reasons; only so that my life could continue as it was, undistrupted. When did I become like this; so insensitive?

I wonder where I got so many of my 'weird ideas' from. Were they always there, or did I pick them up, only gradually? Why don't I miss my old schoolmates at all? Even though they made my life difficult, shouldn't I miss their presence just a little bit? But I don't. Have I really learnt to tune all that out? What matters to me now? I don't know. I never cry at touching scenes. I don't get scared during horror movies. In fact, I laugh. How come? I don't know.

What happened? I'm not really like other people anymore, am I? Maybe I never was. I don't know. See, there are so many things I don't know. Things I want to find out. What's 'forever'? I want to know.

Aerin

I read about baby seals being slaughtered for sport today. Can someone tell me what they have done to offend those humans? Is this yet another example of human nature? Why seals, and why baby seals? Why not lions or tigers? Taken, it still wouldn't be fair, but at least the lions and tigers would be able to fight back. The seals are completely defenseless. What kind of 'sport' is this? How can something so effortless and inhumane be called 'sport'? These ventures are unsustainable and scientifically unjustifiable. Someone on a forum said this:
well,we are the important part of the food chain.. now,i know that the seals have this big cute eyes,but lets concentrate a bit on some more important things in life. so a few animals are hunted down,big deal.keti_angel all this nonsense with animal protection is going into far too big extremes..ok,some animal protection..but this is getting crazy

'Crazy'? Excuse me? How would you feel if someone tried to kill your daughter or something? Important things? What important things? If you seriously think that an animal's life is worth nothing, and that we're so great just because we're human, then what the hell do you believe in? What can possibly be important to you anymore? Important part of the food chain? Excuse me? Did you ever do general Science? Everything in the food chain affects everything else. Nothing ever happens in this world that doesn't affect everyone else in some way of other. Are you not able to see the magnitude of this? 'Big cute eyes' aren't all there is to it! It's not how cute they are; it's the fact that these people are thinking that they have the right to decide what lives and what doesn't. They don't.

Father is telling me I'm not using the computer properly. I just bit myself. Ow. That's gonna bleed. He keeps saying I'm shouting at him. Shouting? You don't want me to demonstrate. When I shout, I assure you that the whole block will be able to hear it. Thank goodnesss for glass shards. The only reason why I'm still able to say 'thank goodness' is because I've met about six truly good people in my life; that's all. If not for them, I'd be saying 'thank hell' or something. Ugh, the damn wound doesn't even hurt. It just itches. That's irritating.

Whatever. I think I shall get off before I murder someone by accident. With me around, it wouldn't be merely an 'accident'...

Aerin

Who's she talking about? I seriously don't know. It's a tad illogical to write to someone who'll never read the message, so I don't think it's to...you know. But then, you never do know. I hope it's not to her. I don't like being sandwich filling. But it's all right if it's to me. I do what I think is right, and if people are going to hate me for it, well. Is that supposed to be my fault?

Damn. My left side is cracking every time I move it. Not a good thing, I presume. Dad will be back in around half an hour. I wonder... If he'd come back earlier then we could have dinner together, but as such it seems unlikely. Brother's asleep, or he should be. I just realised that he usually makes a lot of sense. Okay, not 'usually'. The only reason why I'm saying that and not 'always' is that nobody makes sense when they're suicidal. And that happens sometimes, so yeah.

Ooh, I get to be wardrobe mistress for the Literature PT. That is something I'm not actually too interested in... With luck, I'll get Helen. Without, I'll get Helen and Kate and have to run around constantly. No, actually it's not possible for me to be both, becasue they're in the same scenes. Sam says something about a figurine, but I don't really think it's a good idea. Whatever. I'll just take whatever they throw at me and do it to the best of my ability. After that, if things still go wrong, it's none of my business. Ahh, I hate double roles. As if I'd like being Kate and Helen, anyway. But WHATEVER. (How come I don't get a say in this again?)

YJ is not online 'cause her computer seems to hate her. Or msn. Dear me. I wish she were online. Then we wouldn't have to risk getting our heads bitten off, right? I guess.

Oh yeah, she's coming over tomorrow. Yay!

Grr...Will stop typing now in case I ruin the keyboard. Damn PTs. Stop complaining.

See you.
Aerin

I blew my top at someone on Youtube yesterday. Racial prejudice and whatnot.

Anyway, today we had the N-day celebrations, and I think we did okay. The Speech Day rehearsal was terrible, though. We spent about two hours doing absolutely nothing (or rather, waiting for them to finish with the prize-winners). Most of the seniors went to sleep or started eating. Me, I finished going through all my MS specs. I decided to rewrite my portfolio. There are several inaccuracies.

I got several new shirst today, one of them a really nice dress shirt. The only thing wrong with it is that it has an open collar. One of the new shirts is red. I don't like red, but since it's N-day... Yay, Dad's coming home on Thursday. Which means he'll be home when YJ comes over.

Starting on a new story. Decided to abandon 'Fortune's Child' and turn it into a series of short stories instead. I don't know what I'll call the new thing. It's science fiction, yet again.

Got to go now. Get some sleep.

Aerin

Yep, here's some stuff I found on Youtube. This one's nice, featuring Cloud Strife and one of my favourite songs by Lacus Clyne, but the transition timings are a touch off. It's pretty good, though. Here you go:



Right, another one. I don't really like the song because it's mushy and doesn't really have much of a point to it, but it suits the theme. Here:



Here's another. It's to 'Aerith's Theme', I think. I have the sheet music for it. I like this!



Right, I really have to go now.

Aerin

Yes. Stressed. Me. Some of it just got taken off, but anyhow... Ooh... Remind me again that DNA is 'deoxyribosenucleic acid' and not whatever I spelled it as before, okay? And that 'Manganese', for the last time, is not anything along the lines of 'mangoose'. Oh well, at least I never said it was a 'mango'. That's supposed to be a good thing, right?

I have choir practice on Tuesday. I should definitely go, especially since I've been missing so many practices already thanks to the National Day skit (boy do I wish we were never involved in that) and the recent bout of influenza. We're singing some song from 'High School Musical'. I don't know if that's supposed to be a good thing, but I for one despise the show. You're entitled to your own opinion, though. Just remember that I am, too.

I can't wait for the September holidays. Well, yes, I can. Since there's going to be a hell a lot of stress after that... Our EOIs are coming pretty soon, aren't they? But I need to get more sleep. That's definite. Ahh... I look like a panda. Okay, I'm not big and white and furry, but I have those huge rings under my eyes, y'know? Not that it really does matter that much.

Yay, I got a new book last week. (Right, that was weird.)

Whatever. I have twenty more math sums to do. Dear me. Plus Chemistry to study for...

Aerin

I noticed I have quite a problem with that. At school, I tend to not get angry. At home, I tend to get angry a lot. I have no idea why. Does my family really irritate me that much? I don't think so. It's more of a flip-side thing. But not getting angry is a hell a lot easier. On the net, I have yet another personality. At least, on the forums. On msn it's just me. The forum personality is the 'Okay I don't see your point, but I don't feel like arguing and so I'll just back off' version of me. But occasionally I really do get fed up online (Tsuyo and that person called 'Velvet', you've undoubtedly seen that, as have some other people on Gen-A).

I also discovered recently that I have a sense of humour. And I've decided on who I got it from. Part of it is from Tsuyomi (not that I'm surprised, I knew that long ago) and the other part is from, well, YJ. I know the part from Tsuyo is the one which makes weird comments like 'Yes, I can see the three dark lines and the gigantic sweatdrop. Quick, go drink some water before you dehydrate.' and the one from YJ is the really sarcastic part, although I'm not sure if some of it is just me. And yes, I notice the sarcasm in my everyday speech. Only recently, I admit. I wonder how that happened.

Right, it's getting late and I need to go copy newspaper articles for my Chinese teacher. I must say I don't like the subject... But whatever. I guess I'll have to put up with it till JC at the very least. After that, we'll be lucky if I even touch a Chinese book for the rest of my life. I'm quite determined not to. Oh well. I have more than one person's expectations to meet, and about that... Yeah, I'll try not to disappoint you. You know who you are, right?

Really should be going now. Not to mention I still have to study for my Chemistry test. Ooh, I hate tests. But PTS are worse.

Aerin

There are a lot of things I can't figure out. Like why everyone thinks that life is about having a good job, a nice house, a family... Sure, if you have all that, then good for you - but life is still, well, life even without those things, right? Sometimes I wish I were more like Ave. As in, we both have dreams, but I'm afraid to go all out and chase them, whereas she's not. Is it because of her upbringing, or the world she lives in, or simply a matter or ability and courage? I think it's the last option. Face it, I'm not a mercenary; I can't really get along on my own, right? Neither am I capable of building a little spaceship or anything like that. Plus, as mentioned above, I don't dare. And I think that's what's most important. There are a lot of things you can only do if you dare to try. And I'm not risking it.

I don't see why people would want to be leaders. I don't; I can't bear the responsiblity. That's a fact that I'm very happy to acknowledge. I snap under pressure, and I know it. But I'm not exactly a follower either. I can't give orders, but yet I can't shut up and take orders. I'm the kind who stands in the background until something goes wrong and then I fix it. Not very useful if nothing goes wrong.

I can't see why people would want to commit suicide. Since when does death help anyone? Fine, so you're sad. If you commit suicide because you're sad, all you do is cause more grief, right? How is that supposed to help?

Why do so many people say that being happy is only important in the later part of their lives? Why are the aspirations of so many so very shallow? I don't question their right to have such aspirations; their lives, not mine. But I just don't understand. Instead of accepting that you don't matter, why not prove to people that you do matter? And if you know what it's like to be treated a certain way, why inflict the same pain on other people? Why is friendship worth nothing anymore? Why do people treat their comrades as only people to be betrayed? Is this supposed to be 'human nature'? I don't think Sephiroth was 'evil'. I think he was a reflection of what could happen to us if we continue the way we do. Shin-ra was a ghastly caricature of the multinational companies today trying to control the fuel prices, wasn't it? Crushing the people who opposed them. Isn't that what could happen? Patrick Zala was a reflection of what could happen, wasn't he? The whole Gundam series - they were all reflections of what could happen, you see? Even Infinite Ryvius. Behind all those frivolous drawings and songs, there was always a message, always a purpose. That was why I always hated it when people said that Gundam 'sucked'. So? Just because you don't see the point doesn't mean there isn't one. Since when is life always about popularity, aesthetics... So what if the art isn't perfect? That's just like life, isn't it? Since when is life perfect?

There are different kinds of intelligence. Some people are smart enough to make money; some people are smart enough not to sell their souls. I think my soul is more important than money, any day. Not that life has left me with much of it.

If this is the way reality has to be, then I don't want to accept reality. Why should I? To survive? Why would I want to survive in such a reality? What's a reality? Maybe it's the place beyond the horizon that none of us can see. Do we really know anything? I don't know. Like I said, I don't even know if whatever I know is real or not. I don't want to accept this. I won't. I don't care who does, I don't care if you do. All I know is, I won't.

All that despite the fact that, behind it all, you have.

And that, eventually, you'll have to. But for now, I suppose it's all right.

I have got flu. For sure. Damn voice, damn head, damn runny nose, damn sneezing...Not to mention I'm dead beat. Why the hell am I doing props? Isn't that s'posed to be someone else's job? Ah well, I guess I shouldn't complain since there were people who stayed back. Hooray for OYJ, yet again. Stayed till 6:45 today. Oh...when I get my voice back, those people are going to get HELL. Or maybe I should just type something out and put it on the class noticeboard.

I've decided not to use my msn space any longer, since it doesn't seem too reliable. Oh, and I got an email from Tsuyomi. Yay! Been reading and re-reading it. Dunno why.

Ugh. I keep sneezing. Oh, and I fell down today during drama class. But it's only superficial so we shouldn't be worrying. I hate flu. My poor throat...

Whatever. Gotta go now. BYE!

Aerin