Long time no see - I guess. Today was NAPFA and I was unspeakably dreadful at everything other than Sit and Reach. I'll have to retest everything come 16th May. Oh well. Thank the gods (if there are any) that YJ's going to help me work on it. I'll start doing 50 crunches a day presently. No, I'm not getting physical. Yes, I'm still your classic bookworm, albeit a bookworm who knows she has to pass fitness tests.



Speaking of books, I got another stack yesterday. Currently reading things in halves because everything is too interesting. I do suppose I'm a bibliophile.



Speech and Drama is really useful when you're like me and never like people to see you crying. I admit I cried today, though. But normally you just slip on the mask and whatever the hell the matter is, it's over and done with until you get home, where you can rant and rail however you please. Thankfully, I don't feel the need to do that very often. Often enough, though. I'm not emotional, but I have anger problems.



I wonder why I even bother when I know that I'm hopeless. All right, perhaps not, but is it worth the effort? Yes, I know I have to do it - the authorities say so. But beyond that I don't really see the point.



Ah, forget it. We've more or less settled on our Saturday activity, which is exercise. I don't care if I drop dead; with YJ around it's going to be as fun as being outdoors can possibly be and I need to train anyhow. If I pass my 2.4km run (which I had better), I'm still going to drag her around to help me with IPUs. Sit-ups and all I can work on, and shuttle run I can ask my dad, but when it comes to building up muscle strength I'm clueless, because my focus has always been on aerobic - it's had to be. My heart's quite bad enough as it is. Oh well, the good news is that I went three rounds round the track without walking at all. It may have been a wee bit slower than my usual method (which is bad for me, actually) but I guess I need the endurance. Now I have to figure out how to get it to 5 rounds at the least without dying. Training this Saturday!



Oh, I should bring Cesar along. Her form sucks. I hope she doesn't die, tho'. And I lent YJ my GSD box set today. It's safe with her. She won't sit on it, at the very least.



Hamsters wuv Sora. Nii-chan too.



And you don't want to know how tired I am today. If you ask I'll probably bash you... Ah, some imbecile parked his car in our place so my dad's car is sitting awkwardly somewhere in the carpark. Or it would be, if he hadn't taken it to work today.



Gods. Don't ask me why but I desperately need to cry right now. Yeah, right, it's only NAPFA. Who the hell do I think I'm kidding? Excuse the language. On second thoughts I should just have done it in school and gotten it over with because my mother and I haven't been talking for the past...what, two days? Three? Yeah, three days. And I'll be damned if she wins this 'cold war'. The sky can fall and I won't say a word. I don't care what she does to me but she is not getting to my dad. He has to deal with stupid people 14 hours a day, six days a week. Maybe he doesn't need another in the house, but he married her for a reason and she's not going to get to him. No matter how unfortunate it is for me that she's around. Honestly, if it were for my sake, a third of the world could go to hell and good riddance. But it's not for my sake, thankfully. I have to tolerate most people or they'd be dead ten times over. Yes, you don't see this side of me very often, if you ever see it at all. But I said I have anger problems. I mean problems. Like throwing a porcelain mug at somebody's head. No matter how calm I can seem, there's always this hard little core of anger burning inside. Don't know why, don't know how. I hate the world in general and I admit it.



Okay. Deep breaths, count to ten. It isn't working but I hope I can deceive myself. I really don't know whether I want to cry, scream, hug somebody, strangle somebody, hit the wall, go on a cleaning spree (yes, I do that sometimes)... What I do know is that I'm in the house and that I hate the house at the moment and I want to go out. I even want to run. Run and forget about everything.



Ha. Shows you how deranged I am. I'll go play a game to calm down and post again when I'm sane.



Signing off,

Ae

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