WARNING: IF YOU DISLIKE MY PREJUDICED, ELITIST, WHATEVER-YOU-PREFER-TO-CALL-IT RANTINGS, JUST IGNORE THIS. DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ, YEAH? YOU KEEP TELLING ME THAT BUT I DON'T SEE YOU DOING IT.

I get the feeling my life was screwed before it even begun. Time is my enemy. Everything except my brain is my enemy. Okay, other than the computer, and certain books, and maybe music. There are a lot of exceptions but most of the things I can't change don't benefit me. Why do I say so? Firstly, the only organ in my body that actually functions properly is my brain. I have weak lungs (chronic bronchitis for unknown reasons), a weak heart (hereditary), myopia, bad coordination, probable low blood pressure, sinus, multiple allergies to the weirdest things... But there's nothing wrong with my brain - other than the fact that I'm possibly psychotic (the only thing assuring me I'm not is the fact that I'm actually worried about it, so the day I stop being worried, pack me off to Woodbridge [I have all the other characteristics]). Thus I am determined to utilise it to its fullest capacity, and one of the things stopping me is time. Really. Given enough time (and, of course, the opportunity), there's about nothing I can't study. As long as the thing in question can be written down on paper. That's because my mind is stacks and stacks of foolscap. I actually visualise words in Arial 10.5 and notes on manuscript paper.

Time is something I don't have. How the hell am I supposed to find time to do anything besides study when one-third of the time I spend in school is wasted on superfluous subjects we're never going to use? (Redundancy is evident.) And, FYI, we spend a lot of time in school. I spend three-fifths of my life in school or doing schoolwork, one-third of which, I repeat, is utterly useless. Holistic education isn't all that great. (Am mincing words here so as not to offend government. You don't want to see the draft.) Seriously. I have problems breathing properly and you want me to do PE? If that's not crazy, I don't know what is. Okay, maybe bombing Iraq without good reason.

Did I tell you about music class? Yes, music class when I'm taking a Grade 8 in piano and don't have time to practise because of things like the school's music class. We're doing composing. Of contemporary music. Fine. Then we have keyboard lessons, when we're doing song arrangements for contemporary music. The teacher suggested we could take classic pieces and "turn them upside down". No thank you. It's like committing sacrilege. Why would I want to ruin a perfectly good piece of music anyway? And did I mention my class is deaf? Seriously deaf. Okay, I know I'm a crazy person who can hear things at , what, two percent of the full volume of any music-playing device, but those people make more noise than a herd of stampeding elephants. And I already get a headache if you so much as talk loudly. So you can imagine the pain bouncing off the inner walls of my cranium. SHUT UP, people.

I really don't understand why the ministry makes it compulsory for us to spend, what, ten hours a week on something most of us won't ever use in future? In some other countries, CCAs are a privilege. You join what you're interested in. If you're not, you have the time to take up something else outside of school. Here there are people who take up something they hate because they need the points. Is there any point in that?

Independent learning also isn't all that great. Some people just can't do it. You don't build a solid foundation via independent learning. In fact, you're lucky if you manage to learn anything useful at all. And it wastes time. Something I don't have much of. It's easier and faster to memorise twenty pages of notes than to ferret out the same amount of information. Oh, and if learning is supposed to be independent, why do we need teachers again?

I'm never going to have children if I don't have the means to take them out of this. If it means sending them overseas, so be it. I know it takes way above 30K in most cases to do that, but if I can't do it for the poor things, I won't have children at all. I'm only just realising how much I missed because my parents aren't all that well-educated or well-off and never placed much emphasis on actual grooming anyway. They only cared about what they could see. I want my children to have every opportunity available. I want to be able to say to them, "Your duty is to hope, and work towards what you hope for. Don't worry about the rest. Whatever you want to be, Mommy can clear the road for you if you're willing to work." It doesn't matter if they're only good at sports, or only good at studying. I want them to do what they want to do and be good at it. I wish I were good at everything like some people, but most people don't have the potential, interest or time. It's not fair to children if you expect them to be perfect.

To be honest, I've always only been interested in crossing over the next border into something more advanced. That's all that prompts my interest in anything. I find myself thinking, "If I stay up really late and work on this bar, then I'll have officially finished this song, and then I can take my exam and move on to the next grade". Rarely does it ever occur to me to do things purely for fun. "Fun" is not a logical purpose. Even when I read, I have an ulterior motive, which is to improve my vocabulary and, hopefully, writing skills. That's part of the reason why I never have to be amused by what I read. As long as it's in good English, I don't care what it's about; I'll read it anyway.

I suppose that's part of the reason why I don't understand society or the need of others for society. Society, "normal", does nothing but get on my nerves. If you want to talk about "interesting", people in books are far more interesting, especially since you can call them up any time you like. I've spent enough nights talking to Lessa of Ruatha to know that. People are far happier when they have no-one but themselves to please - or they should be. Love is something that has to be learnt, and I haven't learnt it well. To be honest, there are times when I wish I hadn't learnt it at all. It doesn't make sense; it's not logical. In any sense. I'm disturbed by anything that isn't logical to an extent. Still, I can't un-learn it.

Family? Is there such a thing as a happy family? I doubt it. At least, I don't feel that my family is a happy one. I don't feel that my parents are happy with me - small wonder, they have a child who gets annoyed every time someone opens their mouth - and I'm not happy with them. They say I don't listen to what they tell me, but I doubt they take in a third of what I say. Not enough opportunity, not enough support, not enough love - that's what my family gave me until very recently when they realised I had possible psychological issues. And thanks to who?

No point pushing the blame onto anyone, really. It's me. I can't stand society, I can't stand anything that doesn't make sense, I also can't stand anything that defies the concept of traditional. Yes, I admit it, I dislike superstition and all the other components of tradition that are illogical, but beyond that I still feel that society should be modelled on tradition, because now it's modernisation that doesn't make sense. It makes me feel that we're going backwards. Then again, we probably are. The Wheel of Time is round, after all. So all the time as we're going forward, we're also going back, and vice-versa.

There isn't a place for people like me in this society - any society, in fact - and this system. This particular system. (People from international schools are more versatile than those in our mainstream, you realise? International schools aren't slack. At all. I read up on the syllabus.) It's too late to get out of it - major exams for international schools can be taken at my current age, and Father says we don't have enough money anyway - although I don't think I'll survive. I really don't want to face my life right now. I don't even want to remember that I have a life. Pretending to be blind to everything isn't going to help me, because that's exactly what made the problem worse. The reason why I can walk around crying all day, any day, is that I usually don't cry. The reason why I'm berserk right now is because I usually don't even get angry. Right now everything either gets on my nerves or makes me feel like crying. A lifetime's worth of tears and a lifetime's worth of rage. I don't know how to stop the flow and, to be honest, I don't think I want to. So maybe I want to kill anything that has a pulse (for the fact that they are living and I have no real existence?). All of a sudden I don't think that murder is wrong. Wouldn't it be better for Planet Earth if something just exterminated us? What right does anyone have to life, anyway?

I think I know why people commit mass murder. Those people are the ones who never show any emotion on their faces, sometimes not even through their actions. But everything they touch becomes warped. Everything I touch becomes warped. Every story I write has something in it of a future where the surface of the earth is clear of us. Every story I write tells something of my thoughts on human nature. Every story I write says this: I don't think life is a right. Do you?

Tien Li thinks she has issues. Really? Stress, not issues. She doesn't need to kill someone or kill herself. She doesn't need to get out of her life by fair means or foul. She isn't determined to get off the shores of this island even if it means drowning herself at sea.

Right now my hands are tensing as if to strangle someone. It makes me wonder: Is the nature of humans only to kill?

Labels: Major Angst

RS is driving me nuts. And I swear my class is deaf. Every moment I spend in that classroom while those people are socialising, I have a god-forsaken migraine. I'm serious. I need earplugs. Either that or I should go become a hermit. This is why I do not like extroverts excessively much (sorry, English is erratic here): their incessant need for conversation drives me up the wall. Is it that difficult to not talk for, oh, I don't know, ten minutes? Please, people. You elected your student leaders so you can at least listen to them. (I have a feeling I've said this somewhere before.)

YJ left for Michigan today. Wasn't at school. Now I am lonely and frustrated. Scratch that. I'm practically wallowing in the depths of despair. For more reasons than one, obviously. Wait a moment. "Wallowing" implies I actually like something. So I actually like being depressed. Good one. I told you I had sado-masochistic tendencies. (Did I mention I have at least three sociopathic characteristics? In fact, the only thing that assures me I'm still sane is that I'm worrying about it.)

Pfft. Being antisocial has its advantages, I suppose... I need a CD player. The old one broke (why else would I need a new one?). I think I'm guilty of redundancy. Bleh. In too much of a bad mood to write anything worth reading at the moment. I hope the class won't be as noisy tomorrow or I may as well get an MC and spare my ears the torture. I think I have asthma, sinus, or chronic bronchitis. Whatever it is, I've been coughing for...what? One and a half months?

"Blitzkrieg: Lightning Storm: Bloodshed. That, m'dear, is the connection." - Eisenfeld/Caledfwlch

Am on msn, having some trouble getting Cesar to use proper English. Somewhere in "Wiring Heartlands". YJ won't be around tomorrow, I think. I forgot to send her a farewell card and I don't want to call. So I shall try to forget about it. At least I'll save lots of money because there won't be any point in going down for recess for an entire week.

Cesar, your English is not going to improve if you insist on mixing it with other languages all the time.

Shall stop being snarky. Need my anger management log right now. Sixteen more pages, then I'll need a new book.

Ooh. This is fantastic. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Too much noise, too many people. Can't go anywhere without running into a crowd, can't step into any public building without risking my hearing. Can't step into an eatery for fear of getting indigestion later. Let's face it: the public has amazing noise tolerance and an amazing appetite.

My results were okay. So far it's only an A2 average but I shall have to live with it. I haven't gotten my Literature paper back yet, though. It'll probably pull everything down. Chinese was bad...a...C? English was an A2, so was Math... History was an A1 and so was Geography (23/25). The last one saved my life.

I failed my shuttle run by 0.03 seconds so I shall have to redo the entire NAPFA in July or August. Fitness tests are pointless. Fine, they're not, but I would prefer not having them. I dislike the sun and dislike going out (about the only thing I currently like is reading) so you can understand why PE is pure, unadulterated torture.

I've a good mind to go to Siberia during the December holidays. We actually wanted to go in June, but Dad can't take so much time off and Russia is a strange country with a language I don't speak, so I can't be trusted to go on my own. We may end up just taking a crate of books up to Cameron Highlands. Or going nowhere at all. CAP camp is from 28th May to 1st June, which is a little troublesome because I'll have to collect my report book separately. I want to go to the US, but it's not an option. Dad doesn't like Americans. I, however, do...to a limited extent. I'd go anywhere to get away from sun and heat.

The Singaporean system is getting on my nerves. PERSONAL OPINION. Okay? Don't take to heart. About the only things I'm genuinely proud of are the government and the economy. Safety is a plus but not all-important. Some pain would do me good once in a while. Like I said, I have a sado-masochistic streak. All you really do in the educational system is get bored and stressed. I get bored because it's never really pushed me. I've never really studied. At least, that's what Mom says. And then during the exams you get stressed, which results in high blood pressure (which runs in the family, by the way). There's little or no room for creativity; most of everything is compulsory for everyone. In some places extra-curricular activities are a privilege. Here, they're considered a necessity. Don't get me wrong; I really do love my CCA, but in between getting home at 7 :30 pm every other day and homework, I don't have any time for my piano, violin, etc. etc. There is also no time for additional English practice (hey, I sleep four hours a day as it is), one reason why my English is going down the drainpipe.

Priscilla is fortunate in that she's migrating to Australia next year. I can't say I'm sad that I won't see her any more - I'd only really say that for people like YJ, and then it would be an understatement - I'm more anxious because it'll be like having a huge rent in my life. I'll also be the only Alto 1 from my level. I do not want to study here but I don't really have a choice. Dad says studying overseas is bad in any case, because in China (the only other educational system he deems reasonable) I wouldn't understand a word of anything, and in the US where I would understand, there's too much danger. I don't really care. Walking between the lines makes life really boring. I assume I'm naive in saying that I don't care. Still. I am bored right now, and very tired.

Did I mention being emo doesn't make sense? No? Well, it doesn't. Then again, I don't suppose emotions are supposed to make sense.

YJ doesn't want to go to Michigan for World Finals. I only pity her if it's sunnier there - although she wouldn't mind the sun. Oh well. I'll be alone and forsaken at CAP. At least she has friends who are going with her.

Came across the site for the Church of Satan the other day. Makes more sense than Christianity and is less prejudiced. It's prejudiced only against the weak, I think. I'm not going to adopt it as a religion; it's a self-improvement program of sorts. And no, Satanism does not equal devil worship. Devil worship is a Christian concept. Satanism is not. I really don't feel like explaining. Christians, please do not try to convert me. I am an atheist and proud of it. After all, the best thing to believe in is yourself, no?

I wonder what I'm going to do if, one day, I lose YJ or Tsuyomi. They're guides of a spiritual sort. I was a happier, more human person last year. This year I'm back to being the person who doesn't care any more about love or acceptance except from two or three people, and who is perfectly content if she gets good grades, has something to read, and if everyone shuts up and stops trying to deafen her or drive her nuts. It's safer to be a lone wolf; there's only ever yourself to answer for. Still, if I wanted to stay that way, I shouldn't have taken a bite out of the fruit of companionship. Love burns, it hurts, it breaks. It does all that to your heart. Before one loves, the human heart is ice, I think. Ice is harder. It does, however, break more easily. The fire burns, and caring certainly hurts people a lot more than the opposite, but love is fuel for the fire. I don't know if I want a fire. I have it and I'm afraid to let it go out, but one day it'll burn itself out and then what will I do? That's the very nature of fire; it hungers for nourishment.

I'm incoherent.

I don't ever want to lose either of those people. The rest of the world - it doesn't matter so much. These people are my world. Beyond grades, books and everything you see on the surface (which I do actually appreciate very much), they are my life. I don't live because I'm looking forward to some examination that might prove my intelligence once and for all. Sometimes I bother to wake up just because I know living will make some people smile. It's enough. So I don't know what might happen if, one day, I have nothing to wake up to. I don't love easily. But when I do, it's a lot. And one day that method of dealing with emotion is going to kill me. I know that. But is there any other way? When you love everyone, your love is devalued. When you laugh and cry at simple things, your laughter and tears cease to mean anything. I don't give any of myself to most people. But to some people and some things, I give all of me. It's not a wise way to do things, I know. But I want my emotions to mean something when they actually show.

The melody of logic always plays the notes of truth. Yes, logically, that's true, unless it's flawed logic you're talking about. However, there has to be a point when logic intertwines with emotion. Should I then ignore anything beyond that point? I would like to, but I'm not so sure. Love is poisonous but it's a sweet poison.

[Note: I'm saying 'love' because 'platonic love' is too long. They're my friends. Very good friends. I don't value most friendships, mostly because I don't even consider them that, but these people are friends. No doubt about it.]

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian

I am the prostitute working the streets because no one will hire a transsexual woman

I am the sister who holds her brother through the painful, tear-filled nights

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years in the room

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

I am the man who fears I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I won't risk losing my family and friends

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use to avoid getting management called on me

I am the mother who is not even allowed to visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't always have to deal with society hating me

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp, and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson"

IF YOU BELIEVE HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG, REPOST THIS ON YOUR BLOG/JOURNAL

---

I believe it is wrong because I have lived with it. Not that I'm homosexual, I've simply been accused of being such. And I've seen people form anti-lesbian/gay clubs to "deal with it". There is nothing to deal with, is there? Maybe love is a sin, but if it is it is only because it is selfish to the extent of being such. I don't think it has got anything to do with who you love.

What do you believe?

"愛が不正。"Ai ga fusei" - Love is a sin."

I've finished my essay (which I rewrote twice). I'll need to borrow someone's History paper from last term because I can see my inference questions aren't that good, and I need to start memorising all the notes. Correction: I started last night but fell asleep while I was at it.

I'm going to wipe the slate clean.

I've decided that I don't care who "rage" is. She can rage, she can storm, she can hate me however she likes, even if she is someone I know. I'm not going to bother finding out because, if I do, it'll just mean hell for both of us. Revenge really doesn't help anyone.

I have 110 of Shakespeare's sonnets in Dad's book of notable sixteenth-century poetry. That means I can actually study for Literature, which is great. I feel like going back to Drama all of a sudden. Help me get the feelings out. Sadly, I don't have the time.

I have to finish learning Haydn's "Allegro" by next week. I don't think I can, however.

That's all for now...