Ooh. This is fantastic. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Too much noise, too many people. Can't go anywhere without running into a crowd, can't step into any public building without risking my hearing. Can't step into an eatery for fear of getting indigestion later. Let's face it: the public has amazing noise tolerance and an amazing appetite.

My results were okay. So far it's only an A2 average but I shall have to live with it. I haven't gotten my Literature paper back yet, though. It'll probably pull everything down. Chinese was bad...a...C? English was an A2, so was Math... History was an A1 and so was Geography (23/25). The last one saved my life.

I failed my shuttle run by 0.03 seconds so I shall have to redo the entire NAPFA in July or August. Fitness tests are pointless. Fine, they're not, but I would prefer not having them. I dislike the sun and dislike going out (about the only thing I currently like is reading) so you can understand why PE is pure, unadulterated torture.

I've a good mind to go to Siberia during the December holidays. We actually wanted to go in June, but Dad can't take so much time off and Russia is a strange country with a language I don't speak, so I can't be trusted to go on my own. We may end up just taking a crate of books up to Cameron Highlands. Or going nowhere at all. CAP camp is from 28th May to 1st June, which is a little troublesome because I'll have to collect my report book separately. I want to go to the US, but it's not an option. Dad doesn't like Americans. I, however, do...to a limited extent. I'd go anywhere to get away from sun and heat.

The Singaporean system is getting on my nerves. PERSONAL OPINION. Okay? Don't take to heart. About the only things I'm genuinely proud of are the government and the economy. Safety is a plus but not all-important. Some pain would do me good once in a while. Like I said, I have a sado-masochistic streak. All you really do in the educational system is get bored and stressed. I get bored because it's never really pushed me. I've never really studied. At least, that's what Mom says. And then during the exams you get stressed, which results in high blood pressure (which runs in the family, by the way). There's little or no room for creativity; most of everything is compulsory for everyone. In some places extra-curricular activities are a privilege. Here, they're considered a necessity. Don't get me wrong; I really do love my CCA, but in between getting home at 7 :30 pm every other day and homework, I don't have any time for my piano, violin, etc. etc. There is also no time for additional English practice (hey, I sleep four hours a day as it is), one reason why my English is going down the drainpipe.

Priscilla is fortunate in that she's migrating to Australia next year. I can't say I'm sad that I won't see her any more - I'd only really say that for people like YJ, and then it would be an understatement - I'm more anxious because it'll be like having a huge rent in my life. I'll also be the only Alto 1 from my level. I do not want to study here but I don't really have a choice. Dad says studying overseas is bad in any case, because in China (the only other educational system he deems reasonable) I wouldn't understand a word of anything, and in the US where I would understand, there's too much danger. I don't really care. Walking between the lines makes life really boring. I assume I'm naive in saying that I don't care. Still. I am bored right now, and very tired.

Did I mention being emo doesn't make sense? No? Well, it doesn't. Then again, I don't suppose emotions are supposed to make sense.

YJ doesn't want to go to Michigan for World Finals. I only pity her if it's sunnier there - although she wouldn't mind the sun. Oh well. I'll be alone and forsaken at CAP. At least she has friends who are going with her.

Came across the site for the Church of Satan the other day. Makes more sense than Christianity and is less prejudiced. It's prejudiced only against the weak, I think. I'm not going to adopt it as a religion; it's a self-improvement program of sorts. And no, Satanism does not equal devil worship. Devil worship is a Christian concept. Satanism is not. I really don't feel like explaining. Christians, please do not try to convert me. I am an atheist and proud of it. After all, the best thing to believe in is yourself, no?

I wonder what I'm going to do if, one day, I lose YJ or Tsuyomi. They're guides of a spiritual sort. I was a happier, more human person last year. This year I'm back to being the person who doesn't care any more about love or acceptance except from two or three people, and who is perfectly content if she gets good grades, has something to read, and if everyone shuts up and stops trying to deafen her or drive her nuts. It's safer to be a lone wolf; there's only ever yourself to answer for. Still, if I wanted to stay that way, I shouldn't have taken a bite out of the fruit of companionship. Love burns, it hurts, it breaks. It does all that to your heart. Before one loves, the human heart is ice, I think. Ice is harder. It does, however, break more easily. The fire burns, and caring certainly hurts people a lot more than the opposite, but love is fuel for the fire. I don't know if I want a fire. I have it and I'm afraid to let it go out, but one day it'll burn itself out and then what will I do? That's the very nature of fire; it hungers for nourishment.

I'm incoherent.

I don't ever want to lose either of those people. The rest of the world - it doesn't matter so much. These people are my world. Beyond grades, books and everything you see on the surface (which I do actually appreciate very much), they are my life. I don't live because I'm looking forward to some examination that might prove my intelligence once and for all. Sometimes I bother to wake up just because I know living will make some people smile. It's enough. So I don't know what might happen if, one day, I have nothing to wake up to. I don't love easily. But when I do, it's a lot. And one day that method of dealing with emotion is going to kill me. I know that. But is there any other way? When you love everyone, your love is devalued. When you laugh and cry at simple things, your laughter and tears cease to mean anything. I don't give any of myself to most people. But to some people and some things, I give all of me. It's not a wise way to do things, I know. But I want my emotions to mean something when they actually show.

The melody of logic always plays the notes of truth. Yes, logically, that's true, unless it's flawed logic you're talking about. However, there has to be a point when logic intertwines with emotion. Should I then ignore anything beyond that point? I would like to, but I'm not so sure. Love is poisonous but it's a sweet poison.

[Note: I'm saying 'love' because 'platonic love' is too long. They're my friends. Very good friends. I don't value most friendships, mostly because I don't even consider them that, but these people are friends. No doubt about it.]